Why stay? What for?


 “…As surely as the LORD lives, who has delivered me out of every trouble…” (1 King 1:29)

            I heard a cry from the Father: “Trust Me.”

            “Remove my pain; I am terrified of my nightmares. My secret place is filled with death; regret and a deep sadness…help me Lord!” was all I could reply!

            I cannot say that I did trust Him; I wish I could stand today, giving an amazing testimony of faith and devotion to God. But the reality is that I did not trust my Father. I went for Ishmael-decisions and suffered devastating consequences.

            At the Mathews Bridge in Jacksonville, I found myself in the middle of the night. There is something about the dark hour of our souls, the place where hope is removed out of our minds, a place where we see no way out, no purpose, no reason for existing. The terrifying darkness of the St Johns River looked attractive to me that night as cars passed by; people totally unaware of the suicidal thoughts in my mind. Why stay? What for? All is turned up-side down; the woman of my youth stepped into eternity way, too soon for me; my new marriage was destroyed; my children were manifesting their pain in their own ways. I felt like it was all my fault and perhaps it was!

            Why stay? What for? Now, in my forties, I am able to see how worthless I truly was; how much I truly needed God…I saw the nastiness of my own heart! Decisions made out of God’s will always possess devastating consequences. Up to that point, I was convinced that my “desert” was over; that I was going to be able to laugh again, be excited about coming home again, be happy about ministry again…but that night, at the Matthews Breach in Jacksonville, was my wake-up call; the desert was not over; the agonizing heat of the desert was just getting started. Why stay? What for? But the voice of the Holy Spirit spoke with urgency: “Angel: I am not done with you!” How can that be? How can you not be done with me? Look at how far I’ve fallen? Those words were enough to keep me alive. The desert did not end there, but a couple years of more hell went by.

            Today, I see the stars and they are shinning more than ever; today, I see the beauty of the moon; I enjoy the dances of the sea, I can hear the songs of the birds; I can sing a new song to my Father. He is faithful, He restored my soul, and I am alive again. Such great love, I can’t comprehend, I can’t express; even with the blessing of knowing two languages! The desert is behind me; I don’t know if I will return one day, but I am stepping into the abundance of joy, the excitement of hope and the amazing feeling of purpose. I repented; God forgave me and it’s time to move on. This fight is not over; somebody better let the devil know that I am not done with him. I am coming forward in the name of Jesus; the giants can’t stand before me, the mountains will be casted into the sea. God is with me and if He is with me…who dare can stand against me. Why stay? What for? Turn the page and you will see!

8 thoughts on “Why stay? What for?

  1. We cannot turn the page by looking back, but we cannot learn to turn the page without looking back. Neither can we assess our value in relation to the love of our youth, our marriage or our children. We can only assess our value in relation to God, for it is there that we discover we are beloved sons and daughters.

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    1. Yesterday was my daughter’s birthday! She just turned 13. I bought her a lot of things that I knew she liked and put it in a beautiful birthday bag for her. We close the night by going to the movie to watch a movie she wanted to watch. It is ok, Dennis, to be able to enjoy God’s blessings. We find everything needed in God; however He desire to bless us and His blessings add no sorrow. Poeple will never be able to understand what others are facing in life; we all have our story; but brother, I am so greatful today for the blessings that God is giving me. One of the basic needs is love. If all we need is God, then there would be no need for the “One another thing”. The Christian life is about sharing; some perhaps will never know what is it to be alone until they, themselves, find themselves alone. You may ask, what is it that I am talking about? Adam walked with God in the perfection of the Garden; however, it was God that established that it is not good for a man to be alone. Even as Adam walked with God; God made such powerful statement. I have been feeing alone for a long time my brother. God did not give Adam a friend, a child or a brother…He gave Adam a wife. May the Lord give you and your wife a long life together! I know it is hard to understand some that like me, went through tragedy; after a while people say: “Get over it!”. But it does take time; for me? Five years! My value is found in God, no doubt! My identity is found in HIM. But brother, today I am enjoying His blessings and the hope that He has given me these days.

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      1. Good talking to you the other day, tho brief. Thought of the current song “Your Love” by Brandon Heath as I read some of your recent stuff.. Bless you man………..

        Doug
        II Cor. 1:3-5

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  2. Minister Angel,

    Thanks for sharing how God spoke to you in the midst of your pain and suffering. You heard His voice. Praise God for that . You shall live and not die to declare the works of the Lord.

    I thank God for healing you, restoring you, and Yes my brother, weep and may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. The night sometimes seem awfully long.

    But all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord.

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  3. Angel, Your story is so amazing. From the first time I ever met you, I knew you were a good man with so much love to give. In 1992, my father was on his way over to my house, to see his very first grand child. And he never made it. The date was February 14th. I turned to every substance possible to help take away the pain of my Dad being taken away from me at just 21 years old and he was only 39. I never stepped back into a church from that time on until. Until my son said that there was no such thing as God and that God did not exist. I then turned to Rayette and asked her to pray for me. It was about 3 months later that he, my oldest son started seeking God, with out even saying anything to us. He began attending a church that we did not approve of, and then looked at me and said “if you can find one better then let me know” This then sent me on a 2 year search for a church that we would feel comfortable in. We went on vacation about 4 years ago, when we went on vacation and I seen this church, called, the pastor answered the phone said to come on by and so we did. My son was very closed minded to the thought of going but did. We asked if there were any other churches like this and they led us to a church of christ in South Mills. When we walked in, I about fell to the floor weeping. We became members and my husband was baptized that next week. When my son came home from Oregon he fought and fought going. We told him there was a pretty girl who went there and of course being a teenager, he agreed. This girl made him feel welcome and safe. He then started attending and was baptized that same month and my youngest was then baptized a year later. Now 4 years later, my son is marrying the girl that made him feel comfortable. The same reason why I left church, is the same reason why I went back. My son made me understand that no matter what, God is always good to us.

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    1. Hello Serina; thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Sorry to hear about your dad; I am sure that was a devastating experience for you and family. Thank God for your oldest son and for allowing God to use him. It was lovely to speak to you the other day. You have a natural wisdom, you love my dear Rayette and you are real. I am glad to call you friend; God bless you, your husband and children. I am looking forward to spending time with you all.

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