“…As surely as the LORD lives, who has delivered me out of every trouble…” (1 King 1:29)
I heard a cry from the Father: “Trust Me.”
“Remove my pain; I am terrified of my nightmares. My secret place is filled with death; regret and a deep sadness…help me Lord!” was all I could reply!
I cannot say that I did trust Him; I wish I could stand today, giving an amazing testimony of faith and devotion to God. But the reality is that I did not trust my Father. I went for Ishmael-decisions and suffered devastating consequences.
At the Mathews Bridge in Jacksonville, I found myself in the middle of the night. There is something about the dark hour of our souls, the place where hope is removed out of our minds, a place where we see no way out, no purpose, no reason for existing. The terrifying darkness of the St Johns River looked attractive to me that night as cars passed by; people totally unaware of the suicidal thoughts in my mind. Why stay? What for? All is turned up-side down; the woman of my youth stepped into eternity way, too soon for me; my new marriage was destroyed; my children were manifesting their pain in their own ways. I felt like it was all my fault and perhaps it was!
Why stay? What for? Now, in my forties, I am able to see how worthless I truly was; how much I truly needed God…I saw the nastiness of my own heart! Decisions made out of God’s will always possess devastating consequences. Up to that point, I was convinced that my “desert” was over; that I was going to be able to laugh again, be excited about coming home again, be happy about ministry again…but that night, at the Matthews Breach in Jacksonville, was my wake-up call; the desert was not over; the agonizing heat of the desert was just getting started. Why stay? What for? But the voice of the Holy Spirit spoke with urgency: “Angel: I am not done with you!” How can that be? How can you not be done with me? Look at how far I’ve fallen? Those words were enough to keep me alive. The desert did not end there, but a couple years of more hell went by.
Today, I see the stars and they are shinning more than ever; today, I see the beauty of the moon; I enjoy the dances of the sea, I can hear the songs of the birds; I can sing a new song to my Father. He is faithful, He restored my soul, and I am alive again. Such great love, I can’t comprehend, I can’t express; even with the blessing of knowing two languages! The desert is behind me; I don’t know if I will return one day, but I am stepping into the abundance of joy, the excitement of hope and the amazing feeling of purpose. I repented; God forgave me and it’s time to move on. This fight is not over; somebody better let the devil know that I am not done with him. I am coming forward in the name of Jesus; the giants can’t stand before me, the mountains will be casted into the sea. God is with me and if He is with me…who dare can stand against me. Why stay? What for? Turn the page and you will see!