Forty-five years of life and sixteen years of walking with the Master. I have seen my ugliness; I have seen my heart and the capability of evil in me. I see a stain in the pages of my testimony. I turned my back on God; I went after spiritual and physical fornications.
I failed God, I failed my children and I failed all of those that look up to me. No matter how many sermons, no matter how many songs, no matter how many souls come to the King provoked for something I said or wrote…I can’t never forget that in the times of trouble, in the times of distress and great pain I insisted in my own will over the will of my Father.
Shame continues to knock at the door of my thoughts. How could I mess up so bad before such loving God? I surely knew better! The chains of condemnations hold my hands and feet to the ground of mediocrity.
I am Adam and Eve going after the fruit that was not mine. I went after that one thing, the only one thing that God told me not to eat from. He gave me an Eden and the freedom of walking with HIM in the cool of the day and I gave Him blame for my faults. I hid from His sweet presence and covered what He created me to be. To this day I covered my shame every day with the clothing of who I am not.
I am Moses striking the rock. I am David doing a census on God’s people as if they were mine, as if those were numbers that I could take credit for. I am the murderer, I am the thief, I am the prophet who lost his faith, I am the one who end-up in the belly of a fish. I am the Israel that God forgave over and over again, but went after the idolatry of the world anyway.
I am Judas selling the Lord, I am Paul before Damascus and I am Peter denying the very one who strengthen me to walk on water.
Why did I take that turn? Why did I enter that room? Why did I make that phone call? Why did I visited that website? Why did I articulate such hurtful words? Why did I betray him with my lack of loyalty? Why did I give her such bad example? Why? Why? Why? For I can’t fool myself, I know my story and the things that I have done. My sins are before me like giant statutes of my failure, for my arrogant eyes to see.
Oh God, but in my pitiful condition you did not allow me to take my life on that terrible night on that Jacksonville bridge. You said: “Angel, I am not done with you!” On that night when in the dark hour of my soul I was convinced that I was to do my children a favor by taking my own life…you spoke to me… You… spoke to me!
When I was unfaithful, when I wanted nothing to do with you; you did not give up on me. You gave me the grace to repent and you are teaching me to learn humility through the fire of your Spirit.
Don’t let me go back to eat with pigs, don’t let me look back and be turned to a purposeless statue of salt. Don’t remove from me your Spirit. Have your way in me, even if it cost me to die; I rather die than to live one second away from your presence. Let them look at me and see me pointing at the mountains from where my salvation came from. Oh God, may the glory forever be yours!
I am hungry, like one that has not eaten in days, I am thirsty like one walking on a desert without water. Here I am Lord, have all of me…I surrender!
I don’t understand your mercies Lord, but I receive them as mine, for me to take. Not to continue to embrace sin, but to turn from my wicked ways.
For your mercy saved my life, for your mercy has given me a new song to sing, a new sermon to preach and a new book to write.
Open my mouth to declared your truth around the world, open my mouth to sing the song of the Lord, use my pen to testify of you…I am yours Holy Father, I m free and I belong to you. Let me be your voluntary slave. Put an earring in the ears of my soul and let the world know that I am your slave; your voluntary slave.