Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting! Psalm 139:23-24 (ESV)
Does God not know our hearts and motives? He is All-knowing! This Psalm is really a prayer for God to reveal to us our hearts, our motives, our thoughts, and our grievous ways. It is a plead for God to fix us inside and lead us into the ancient path of righteousness. With this in mind this is who I am:
I am a loner; that does not mean that I don’t need people; everyone does; is just that my circle of friends is small. I need very little love and very little affection and I also project very little love and very little affection. That does not mean that I don’t care, I am loyal and willing to sacrifice for others, but I need my space more than others to think and to recharge.
My self-esteem is low, and I am afraid of rejection more than anything else. This fear of rejection causes me to reject folks and get them out of my life before they do. I am moody and hold a grudge longer than anybody. These realities has cause me a lot of trouble in my life.
I am talented and a deep thinker; I actually love to spend time alone and just think! I look like I don’t care, but I do! I look arrogant, but I am not; I am hiding my insecurities. I like to look competent, but at times I am not; is a mask. I guess I hate to look stupid! My spouse, my parents and a short list of friends are special to me. I prefer deep relationships and deep conversations; I am not good in small talk. I am not good in social gatherings.
I am a pastor, but not in the traditional sense; I minister better one-on-one or small groups. I rather teach than preach; I can operate from the pulpit, but I prefer to have a discussion following Acts 2:42 divine formula, “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” NIV)
I can sing, but I am not a Worship Leader; it causes me a lot of stress to do so because I am simply out of my element. However, I feel comfortable singing in small groups, especially before teaching. I am introvert and task oriented. I like to get things done. I can be angry… very angry… and that anger is an accumulation of what I perceive to be blows and attacks. I will defend myself, at times not in a Godly way!
I demand too much from myself and others, at times unrealistic expectations. In those demands I set myself up for great frustrations. I am difficult… very difficult to deal with because of my low self-esteem and fear of rejection. I don’t take criticism well. I can fall into a deep depression and destructive behaviors. I am serious, I don’t play around too much.
I am a good leader when I know what I am doing and, I envision projects from beginning to completion. I don’t respond well to intimidations, and I can be rebellious. I am not controlling, but I don’t want anybody to control me either.
These are not justifications, is who I am: the good, the bad and the ugly. Never justifying sin, but pursuing my Lord’s character, working out my own deliverance with fear and trembling. In the process of knowing God and knowing myself… I am a man under construction.